I’m me. I’m the same age that my father was when I first thought he was old.
I’m definitely old enough to know better.

I’ve always had issues. As a child, I was disruptive, I was always fighting, and I never really fitted in. I had no understanding of social skills. I was dysfunctional and I gravitated towards other dysfunctional people so the chaos I grew up in became normalised. I lived with extreme hyperactivity, crashing mood swings, and constant aggressive and destructive conflict with everyone and everything around me.

I didn’t know it back then but I have Aspergers Syndrome and a form of depression called 'Bi-Polar 2' and collectively it controlled the way my life developed.
I discovered alcohol and drugs long before I left school and after I left it didn't take long until they became a crutch.
Back then it wasn’t called ‘self-medicating’, it was just what we did.
By the time I was 19 I was stoned or drunk (often both) every single day. Weekends revolved around pills, powders, and parties. I lost some friends to it, but I just ignored that and kept going.
Life was a paradox. It was one long party. I was fucking miserable and angry and fucked up, but man I had a fucking good time...

Life changed when I fell in love with someone who became my rock. She bought order to the chaos that was my life.
But then my world collapsed when she became ill and died after a fucking awful struggle with cancer.
I went to a dark place, self-destruction became my thing.
Eventually I hit rock bottom which in turn led to a sort of crisis intervention.
Now… life is different. I never thought I would, but I met someone who supports me, and last year my stepson was my best man.
I manage to manage my issues now. Mostly…  

When I was kid I was labelled bad, non-cooperative, abusive. Back then mental health issues in children were not recognised.
You were punished instead of supported.
Today I'm 56 and things are very different,
Today, support exists.

If one young person out there reads this, if you can take one thing from my words, I want it to be this:
You are not alone. You really aren't. Ask for help—it’s there. Talk to someone. Send me a fucking message on this website.
Things can and DO get better. I still have bad days, but I have learned to deal with them better now.

I don’t drink (except a little at Christmas), I don’t smoke, chemical fuelled benders seem like a long lost memory. I’m clean and proud of it—though I still eat too many fucking pork pies.
These days I love riding my mountain bike, taking photos, I love gardening, and my roses are very therapeutic. I love my dogs, my stepson (taller than me now and built like a brick shithouse), and most of all my amazing wife, who I also work with too.
But best of all, since I met my wife, I have discovered that actually, when I peel away my layers, I'm quite a nice guy and I've learned to like myself a little bit.